Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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