so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
