Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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