I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
