Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
