You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
