Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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