I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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