It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
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Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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