Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
