Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
