I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
