fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
