She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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