If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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