my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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