I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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