I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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