Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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