I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think I sprained my soul last night
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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