I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
