i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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