I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
