he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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