somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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