I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I deserve this hangover.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
