I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
