My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
