Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
