A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
