this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
