I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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