Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
