I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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