so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
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I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
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you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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