I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
