saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
