i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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