did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
