I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He felt like a one man threesome
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
So apparently I’m into choking now
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