I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
