I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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