That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
