I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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