There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
