I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
