Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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