she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
