You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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