Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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