A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
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My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize