so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
