There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
