I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
