dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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