My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
