She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
