We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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