I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
